Boundaries for Mothers
Most of us expect having a baby to bring change to our life. What I didn’t expect was the change of self.
The huge shift in identity. That deep vulnerability, being in a new context and having that relationship to self so totally and instantly transformed. It was a shock.
The doula and author, Julia Jones, speaks of ‘Newborn Mothers’, it’s a beautiful term that starts to build this idea that we too are at the start. We too are vulnerable and need love, support and nurturing while we grow.
This idea of being a newborn mother in a new role does not sit well with the expectations of us. The ones we place on ourselves and the ones which are placed upon us. The stakes and responsibilities are impossibly high. A role that somehow we are expected to excel at, straight away, with no experience.
Understandably we seek advice and support. Unfortunately this advice and support is coming less and less from wise women we know, love and trust.
More and more it is coming from Google. I dread to think what my own internet search history looked like in the early days with my eldest. I googled everything. The desire to ‘get it right’, the idea that if I read enough books and read enough posts I would somehow have the answers.
Finding yourself as a mother is a deep and complex process that will take years, possibly decades to unfold. No one can tell us how to ‘get it right’ (sadly).
Instead, you need to give yourself endless compassion, kindness, love and respect as you discover your identity as a mother. As you make your way through the messy middle of change.
You need the space to find your own voice, your opinions, your way of thinking and being.
Building this space can feel impossible amongst the physical demands of motherhood, the endless opinions from others, and the fact that your partner (if you have one) is also experiencing massive shifts in their identity.
What I’d like to share with you today is one technique for how you might find some space to start to listen to your intuition, your self, what matters most to you. Today, we are going to start an experiment with energy. The aim being to let go of the external noise and to focus on you and how you want to navigate this new role.
The most helpful way to use this in the early months and years of motherhood is to think about your self, or your energy, where you start and finish and how to create a very clear and defined boundary.
Having a boundary in place means you can start to tune into what’s yours and what’s other, helping you to find your intuition, that deep knowing of what is right for you. A line in the sand, where you choose what is welcome and what isn’t.
Building an ability to shrug off what isn’t for you, what belongs to someone else, their opinion, their way of mothering, their ideas, their life is so useful. It is so transformative, to be able to choose what you care about, whose opinions you choose to give weight to and whose opinions you let wash over you. It is a skill that needs to be built and practised, a muscle that will get stronger every time you use it.
Energetic protection is the concept that you will, mindfully, have something in place that keeps external energies at bay. You very deliberately set an intention that you will not be taking on anyone else's energy in this situation. How you choose to do this can and will be very different for different situations.
It works best with a visualised boundary.
It’s an exercise I use all the time with clients and that most people find so useful.
There are some beautiful examples that people have shared with me. One of my favourites is from someone who loved sci-fi, hers was a Star Trek style shield. A common theme is nature, flowers, vines or thorns building a beautiful dome that encircles and enwraps you. I have many. The one that most often connects with clients, it’s a big heavy duffle coat that I will wear from time to time in very difficult situations. My ‘f**k off’ coat. Something for when I know I have to be in a difficult situation with difficult people. This particular one was born while I was going through a horrific redundancy process around the time my daughter was born and I needed something tough. A particularly wonderful client commissioned a beautiful illustration of it for me.
However you choose to play with this concept, my hope is that it helps you to create some space for you to listen to your voice. So you get to make your own choices and have some protection from all the outside influence and noise.
Finding yourself in a new role is something that you need space and grace to explore.
If you would like some dedicated support with this, I’d love to help. You can find out more here.
